Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"What's My Destiny Mama?"

I'm itchy...

Not in the physical sense. Maybe the metaphysical sense is what I mean. I've always been a creature of no habit. I find a new craft or skill or object or whatever and obsess over it until I either A) master it or B) lose interest and move on to something else entirely.

And lately I've been "itchy" which is what I call it when I'm feeling discontent or just...stagnant. Now don't misunderstand me, I love my life: my marriage, my husband, my Toot. My discontentment is with something in myself, like feeling like a balloon with too much air and I have to let it out or I'll pop. The feeling like something is there I just have to find the right thing to get it out. I've started calling it my "Forrest Gump Feeling". As the title of this post suggests, this line from "Forrest Gump" comes to me whenever I'm feeling this way.

In the scene, his mother is dying and Forrest asks her, "What's my destiny Mama?" This scene has always struck me and that line reverberates in my head when I get that feeling. Being in my thirties you would think that I should have this all figured out, eh? But as Homer Simpson has said, "I'm a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!" and I'm dying to break out of this whatever that seems to be holding me back.

I mean mainly creatively. I feel like there's more to me and what my abilities are, know what I mean? I have to apologize at this point because I'm "typing out loud" as it were and I think this may be the most disjointed post I've ever written. lol I hope I'm not coming across as a whiny depressed lunatic. I'm not saying any of these things in a depressed frame of mind but rather a wondering, excited one. What is my destiny anyway? A part from the Wife, Mother, Lover roles (which I adore!) where am I headed in terms of my creativity? I bounce from one thing to another never really resting like a butterfly on flowers.

So anyway, I'm in thinking/planning/listing mode at the moment. lol I try to keep this blog as fun, cheery and non serious as possible because quite frankly I realize that a lot of my dearest readers come here for frivolity not presidential addresses but I must (at least in print) get out what I've been thinking lately before it drives me nuts.

Have you ever felt this way? About anything? Like something's coming, something's right there, you just have to grab it?

You know, when I was a kid I watched "West Side Story" with Natalie Wood and my entire world was rocked. I knew every line, every song, every dance and to this day I cry like a baby at the end. There's one song in particular that still rings in my head and is very applicable to my current state of mind. Feel free to play it if you wish and thank you so much for "listening" to me.

And don't worry...I'll get it figured out! And if anyone has been here before...HELP! lol :D

38 comments:

  1. I totally know what you mean...sorry I can't help...I do good to find my own way out...LOL!

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  2. Sorry to hear you are so glum.You can vent to me anytime. Everyone needs that venting every now an then. Life is so challenging at times and can overwhelm anyone.
    You know you have all of your blog friends here to support you and keep your spirits up
    Hope your day get better.

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  3. I think it will come for you. Maybe a new direction with your art ??
    I bet all of us have felt like you stated at least once in our lives.
    You know the old saying, GOD CLOSES ONE DOOR TO OPEN A WINDOW.....
    YOU ARE a very intelligent lady, I know only great things are in your future.
    And such a lovely smile :)

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  4. I've felt this way off and on since high school and I still don't know! Sorry, I'm not much help...

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  5. sounds like you are searching for something, hope it comes your way :D

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  6. I believe you mentioned in a previous post, dear Maggi, that you're turning 30 shortly! Each decade is a milestone that causes reflection - it's only normal & human! Everyone experiences this but no-one seems to have any answers either... Sorry!

    Hope things turn out for the best for you!

    xxLola:)

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  7. I can totally relate. I took one of those facebook quizzes and it totally hit on the head why I have sometimes have these feelings (Now I am not saying this is you but I have a feeling being a Libra like me (I cna't remember if we are a day off or a year off in our birthdays) but the quiz was something like what you lack in life. Mine was soul. Now that sounds kinds bad because I am passionate and I think I have a kind soul but what it says is I do actually lack some kind of gumption. I am always floundering and get bored easily too. I think I expect things to be easy and when they are not I get whiney (Again just me but I am hoping this helps you too) I know i am personally going through some lonliness I find I have no real friends here and I miss that one on one friendship that a husband can't fullfill all the time. (Oh wait this was about you not me lol sorry) Anyway I lack gumption and I have tons of bright ideas. I wish there was a way I could figure how to find it as I was amazed that one of those stupid quizzes actually proved to be insightful!

    Ok sorry if that was just complete babble and if you ever need to talk email me or I can give you my number. I really feel we are kindred spirits :D

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  8. You don't sound like you are a downer...we don't always have to be pleased.....destiny is a tough one!!!! It is a stage that all of us enter into in our lives at one time or another!!!! This is a time of searching...I too am in the same place.....just what is my purpose and this is part of life...something may be on the horizon....searching enriches us....pushes us....sometimes it is tough...but there is always HOPE!!! I was sent a message the other day from a dear friend of my daughter's and the message was HOPE FLOATS US....so take this time to search....it is your time and we are all behind you and wishing you the very best that life can offer you!!!! Your Destiny is in your hands....search...try it out...if it doesn't work....search some more!!!! {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

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  9. i've felt that way before hun, but now i'm going to college part time and starting swimming lessons so it's all looking positive. I hope you find your something xxx

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  10. well, I read this...and know how you feel. I am early 50's and struggling (still!) to find my way! I started a card blog a couple of years ago, and have been creating but have suddenly lost it. Lost all interest. Even started (gasp!) selling off some stuff. Not sure why, not sure where I am going...but I am tired of wondering!! It helps to acknowledge it, helps to try new things and see if anything sticks...not sure I am helping!

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  11. I'm with Nora (and Lola) if you're approaching #30. Zero birthdays are always the hardest. Relax and carry on - the feeling will pass a day or two after the birthday cake is history. Remember it's only the calendar that says you're older.

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  12. I've been there. This is your creativity talking....When I get too many things I want to do at once I get so overwhelmed. So take a step back and do what comes naturally. Whatever comes naturally is what you're meant to do. Always wife first, mother second...if you follow this, all else will fall into place. I promise!

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  13. You so perfectly put into words what I have often felt. I think it's the creativity part of us that sometimes butts heads with all of the other responsibilities we have as women, wives and mothers. We just can be all things at all times...PERIOD.

    It's taken me a long time to realize this and I’m still trying to figure out what my destiny is and I’ve got a few years on you! What I do know is that I am my most true self when I’m creating and I also know that I stunt the process when I stress about it or overwhelm myself with too many projects.

    I have so many interests in so many things and want to try my hand at all of it. Just this last week while I was sick and lying in bed... I had the opportunity to just think and reflect and I made a conscious effort to focus on just a couple of things and guess what? The creativity is flowing, I’m making progress and it feels great.

    Don’t worry sweet friend…what you are feeling has been felt my most creative types…it goes with the territory.

    (((((HUGS))))) to you sweet friend!!

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  14. yep, I totally know what you mean.
    I had always explained it (to others that would listen. lol) as a YEARNING feeling...I was yearning for something greater, or something else and I had no idea what it was or where it was...I just knew it was out there.

    Yeah, I know...babe! good luck!
    B

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  15. I totally know what you mean, but got to find my way out first before I can help! LOL! Call me if you need to let it out! Im here for you girl!

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  16. We all feel like this sometimes. Sometimes you just need a little inspiration. Do something a little different. Try something you never tried before. Or maybe even step back for a bit and take a break and do something to treat yourself (I can give you tips on that one lol). Things will snap into place, I'm sure of it.

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  17. I am probably wrong lol..but I think it's the time of year. Nothing is really going on right now we are about to leave one season and enter another! Maybe once fall hits and the holidays something will spark your creativity and you will fly away! You will figure it out I know you will! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!

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  18. I've been there Maggi! Way too often! ("why am I studying this?" "How about trying this?"... etc). Unfortunately, I don't have much to help you, except my faith that it'll come to you one day... You just have to deal with the itchiness first.

    xx,
    40sfemme

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  19. I was actually inspired by your eloquent post, you must be a Virgo or act like one anyway.
    The perfectionist tendency is a killer. I think we all have to step back and try to focus on only a couple of things so as not to feel overwhelmed. The seasons are changing and we have not even concluded our summer and are thinking of all that is ahead in the busiest season for everyone.
    Take some time for yourself and just be....relax....don't think about all of the 'stuff' to do or that you want to do. I know, it's hard and you feel like you cannot just stop....do it...really...if only for a day or two....you will feel peace and the creativity will flow!! Thanks for listening to me babble...now go and get a good nights sleep!!
    Big Hugs, xOxO Nerina :)

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  20. Oh girl, I think we ALL have these exact feelings! I know one thing, we all have a purpose, and trying to figure out what that is can drive us crazy- so we have to stop trying to figure it out- it will come to us when it's time! You're not alone, that's for sure!!!! xoxo

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  21. I think it is a feeling I have had more than once.....you certainly have company....Love your blog.

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  22. PS....I hope U know where my song reference came from! :):):):):):):):)

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  23. First...let me re-write something here for U.... :)

    When you're a blogger,
    You're a blogger all the way
    From your first blog post
    To your last dyin' day.

    When you're a blogger,
    If the spit hits the fan,
    You got mostly Sisters around,
    You're a family WOMAN!

    You're never alone,
    You're never disconnected!
    You're home with your own:
    When company's expected,
    You're well protected!

    Then you are set
    With a capital "B",
    Which you'll never forget
    Till they cart you away.
    When you're a blogger,
    You stay a blogger!

    Ok....that was in a small way....an effort to HOPEFULLY (fingers crossed) put a smile on your face!!!! :):):):):):)

    Many of us are there with U....many of us are just getting there....and many of us had been there, done that! :):):):):) But in the end....please KNOW U are not alone!!!!! I am ahem (insert that 30'ish phrase here!).....and there are some days that I still go....WHAT? HUH? WHEN? HUH? how the HECK did I end up here??????? What happened to my dreams? What happened to the "perfect" house U wanted with the picket fence? What happened to etc etc etc.....but please know....that no matter what...U have friends to lean on, to talk it out with....to cry, laugh and scream with! :):):):):):):):):) Even though I still have a step back or two....I know that there are peeps out there who understand and that will be there for me in a heartbeat....as I will do for them! :):):):):):) {{{HUGS!}}} :):):):):):):):):):):)

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  24. Yep, I totally know what you mean. I read a book once that called that feeling "divine discontent" - a phrase I love - and the author said it was a feeling not to be worried over, that usually it meant the universe had been cooking up something even better for us and just had to wait until we were ready for it - which usually meant we had to become dissatisfied on some level with what we have. I've had that feeling numerous times over the years, usually preceeded by a change/shift in my life. But it has always seemed to work out for the best - though I still wonder what the hell my "destiny" is, too. I feel like I'm missing something. I try to be vigilant for the signs that the "big one" is coming, you know the thing that's going to make me go, "oh, so THAT'S why I'm here," but so far... well, let's just say I don't think it's happened yet. And that's OK - as long as I don't miss it when it comes by. I think that's what scares me the most - that somehow I'll miss the one thing that I'm supposed to actually get. LOL.

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  25. I totally understand! I unfortunately feel like this quite a bit. I wish I could help but usually it is time! Can you send me an email about the blog stuff? I sure would love your help : )

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  26. Wow that song is just how your feeling! I totally hope you find what your looking for honey and enjoy the ride along the way. Love and hugs girlfriend.
    xoxo

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  27. Hi Maggi

    I go through moments like this once every month...mainly when I'm in a creative rut. What do I do? I feel sorry for myself...for a while (set a timer lol)..so as to get it out of my system..and then I revisit the things that used to excite me...to rediscover parts of myself. Crafting is what I do. Blogging is what I do. These things do not define ME. I am much more than that. You are too, Maggi. I think it's perfectly ok to move from one hobby to another as long as it feeds your creative soul. I'm sure even people who say they've found their calling in life have moments of doubt.

    Cheers, Y.

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  28. I totally feel ya, hun! I get like that too...and then...all the sudden, I get that A-HA moment when I know what the freak is happening and everything just "clicks". Ride it out till you "A-HA" I promise that it will happen! :)

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  29. Oh Maggi I am SO there right now!! This post is so perfect right now for me. I know that kinda sounds weird but I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. I think something big will pop! And it will be great..just like he said in the video. :)

    Hang in there!

    xoxo

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  30. he he...i've been there too...remember that weird post of mine awhile back???? he he....i was in a funk! i think it's just a necessary thing that happens! i still have the same worries, but have spent some needed time just really thinking and re-framing my priorities and goals. i'm still working on it all though! i absolutely do not mind the venting and expression of it on your blog. we're all here to visit, and support each other in times that we need it! i'm thinking of you and hoping you get things worked out!

    hugs,
    mo

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  31. Dearest Maggi~
    I think it's all good, and being a wee bit older than you i can tell you, I STILL get that way! You know what I think? I think it's part of the process, and that creative types especially, go through a little angst phase before the Something comes at us, so we'll know it when we feel it. Does that make sense?

    I was suffering from monkey mind not too long ago (even posted about it), where the worlds a whirling dervish and i cant i lose the ability to focus on one thing..that too, i think is part of the process, the ying for the yang....LOL who is on the soapbox now?

    The only way to do it is through it, Ms Lovely. Just think how you'll sparkle on the other side xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  32. You said, "I bounce from one thing to another never really resting like a butterfly on flowers." Just one question for you....what is wrong with butterflies? Another words, what is wrong with bouncing about? It gives you so many more experiences and variety in life. Maybe your destiny is being a butterfly!

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  33. I totally get you, and I don't know mine well enough to help you out of your semi-confusion, I am right there with you! But know that we all are- and probably more than once in our lives. I like that you made us all think for a minute- it's growth producing.

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  34. It was a very honest post. I believe that every creative idea demands some sort of soul searching.I have been through many exhausting journeys in my life and now, looking back,I think that the times that I thought were most difficult and indecisive were the happiest times of my life. Enjoy it, no matter how strange and uneasy it might seem. At the end you will come to many amazing discoveries.:-)))

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  35. Maggi, I hope you get out of your artistic funk soon! It sounds like the circle journal was a good project to get lost in. I think everyone goes through period where they are not happy with their work, for whatever reason. I think you are fabulous, and don't you forget it!!

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  36. The itch you want to scratch but know it won't help. You'll figure it out though, no worries. We all get the itch, and we all wish the damn itch would hurry up and resolve itself!

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  37. I hear you! Ya know...when I started reading your post, I was probably only a third of the way before "Something's Coming" started singing in my head....before I scrolled down far enough to see your YouTube post and read your words. I'll bet something Is coming for you. Hope it reveals itself to you soon. :>

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  38. Whew!! Maggi, you are amazingly creative! and have so much wonderful ideas!!! it's no wonder that you feel like you're going to pop!

    And seriously...you have been going and going and going... like the energizer bunny!

    Hoping that you get some time to rest and re-boot if you have to.

    Blessings & Aloha, dear blog friend!

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