Oh goodness y'all, we got some craz-y up in here!
Welcome to the third episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Please note that this is the THIRD episode, this information will come in handy later. So we begin with a day long recap of what's happened so far (in the other TWO episodes) what with Rozlyn getting kicked to the rose covered curb and Ali's date with Chicago, a lot has happened here folks.
Once we get going on tonight's episode, Chris shows up at the mansion to tell the girls that there will be 2 one on one dates and one group date. The first to get a one on one date is Vienna (sausages) who immediately starts to cry upon hearing her name called (third episode folks). Cut to creepy Michelle who is "frustrated" because she wanted a one on one date (like no one else wanted it) and Ali who is "surprised that Jake picked her for a one on one date" and that she "feels a sense of betrayal almost". Again, third episode everyone. First of all, can anyone really still believe that Jake is coming up with date locales, things to do and who he's going with? That's what producers are paid for (or were paid for before they allegedly "entered into an inappropriate relationship" with Rozlyn) and second of all, "betrayal"...really? She does see the other girls in the house, right? She knows she's not the only one going out with Jake, right? It amazes me how this show could be on for this long and these chicks still don't get it. Duh.
Anyhoo, Vienna and Jake head off to...oh snap! First helicopter of the season! I swear this show just needs to buy it's own 'copter. That and a hot tub and they will save so much money! Cut to the Drama Llamas sunning by the pool where Vienna is getting raked across the coals for "ruffling feathers" which must have happened before the crew showed up because they haven't showed me any of these feather ruffling scenes. Wait, have they? Maybe I blocked it. I have watched two entire episodes already, it's hard to keep up.
Back to Vienna and Jake where they are going bungee jumping. Vienna promptly pees herself. We also find out that Jake is afraid of heights...Jake the airline pilot...is afraid of heights. So they tie this into overcoming fears together makes you a stronger couple blahblahblah and then Jake promptly pees himself. Cue Vienna becoming the comforting force. Just jump off the freakin' bridge already!!! So they jump and then kiss upside down like Spider-man.
Back at "Jake's house" and they start taking about the jump (hello, we were there! We saw it, let's move on already!) Jake says she's nurturing, she says she'll jump again if it means she gets a rose, then Jakes says zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Whoa, must have dozed off there...sorry!
Back at the house, the group date card shows up and it goes to: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Kathryn, Michelle (dun dun DUN) and uh...I lost track. Oh right, Ashleigh and Jessie (who?). Michelle is pissed because she wanted one on one time with Jake. (I'm pretty sure this is headed somewhere folks...somewhere painfully awkward, mark my words!) Then Tenley says she'll be surprised if Vienna comes home with a rose because she thinks "he'll see what the girls in the house are seeing". What?! What are you seeing?!?! Can we see please? Anyone?!
Back to Vienna and Jake in surprise, surprise a hot tub. He thanks her AGAIN for saving him from certain death on the bridge, yadayadayada, gives her some long winded speech about her honesty, glad you're here, refreshing, isn't it amazing how my voice never changes no matter what emotion I'm feeling, snooze fest, finally gives her the rose AND she actually says (and I quote) "I'm on Cloud Jake!"
Vienna returns to the house, cheerfully telling the girls who could care less, everything about her fabulous, amazing, "cloud Jake" date. The girls are P-I-S-S-E-D that she came home.
Let's go on a group date shall we? I'm naming this date, "The Most Awkward Date Known To Man". Michelle is STILL bitching about not getting the one on one date. (shut up shut up SHUT UP!) Jake introduces the gals to...*drum roll*...Jon Lovitz. Really? Jon Lovitz? Okay, he's like great and stuff but seriously? First Chicago and now Jon Lovitz. Hey ABC, did ya use your entire budget on roses with nothing left over to get good celebrities on the show? Freakin' Launch My Line got Lady Gaga, they at least know pop culture and current events, geez louise!
Lovitz tells the girls that they will be doing a comedy show. Cue dying. They'll be doing stand up comedy. Dear Lord tell me I will wake up from this nightmare. Cut to the house where we find out that Ella gets the final one on one date leaving Valisha (who?) and Gia without a date for the week. Vienna starts talking about how Ella will love having all of Jake's attention and it pisses everyone off although she seems oblivious.
Back to the comedy club (do I have to?) Ashleigh starts crying because she doesn't want to do it (don't blame her, the whole date is stupid) but then she goes into this speech about how she's not funny and Jake comes over and writes down a joke for her to tell. Well, I'm laughing. And surprise, surprise there will be a live audience for their performances. Commence peeing of multiple pants. Ashleigh declares she "is on another planet". Yeah ya are!
Before we go on to these girls humiliating themselves by not only looking for love on TV but then having to do a stand up routine on TV with a live audience, may I say something? This is the stupidest date EVER. They started this embarrassing crap with DeAnna's season making the boys sing, then Jason's season making the girls sing, then they made the boys act on Jillian's season and now this BS. Listen, I'm all for wanting someone that will take risks and be fun and carefree but how does making them embarrass themselves prove anything? Y'all know I'm an outgoing person but should this happen to me, there would be a Maggi-shaped smoke cloud to match the Maggi-shaped hole in the door as I ran away. This is stupid and girls, on behalf of ABC, I apologize.
All right, let's get this awkwardness over with. Ali is first: tells a joke about Pooh/poo. I don't recognize the second girl up but she calls her family fat. Tenley's next and she puts her feet behind her head and hits herself in the face with the mike. Elizabeth the "kiss me, no don't kiss me!" nanny says this is "so not cool" and then proceeds to tell a joke that was practically all bleeped out. If I were Jake I would be glad she wasn't kissing me with her potty mouth. Kathryn brings Jake on stage and then kisses him. har har har Too funny. Michelle tells us that when she finally kisses Jake there will be passion, pulling hair and ripping clothes off. Yuck.
Speaking of which, it's Michelle's turn on stage and seriously, I can't watch this. Please don't make me! She notices the palm trees and notes, "the coconuts are missing...I wonder where they are? teehee!" Punchline: "They're on me of course waiting for Jake." no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. No one laughs and I want to crawl under the couch. This is seriously painful. Cut to Ali saying Michelle's "a little off". Ashleigh is up and she refuses to go on so Corrie goes on instead and she does "impersonations" of the other girls in the house. Jake laughs at first and then gets upset when she focuses her non-talent on Vienna. So now Ashleigh has to go since there's no one left and she tells blonde jokes. Good one.
It's over! Praise God it's over! WOO HOO!!!
They go to party on a roof and Jake takes it to a "serious level" by telling the group that he understands how they feel when they see him hugging someone else because he feels it too. Wait, what? Tenley pulls him aside and tells him about her cheating husband and divorce. She cries, they hug, the kiss. Blah.
He pulls Ashleigh aside and she wants to tell him how much she hates Vienna. Don't tell him, kiss of non-rose death! Kiss of non-rose death! Jake says he's not seeing what they see (We're not either Jake!) Cut to house: we find ourselves in the midst of the other girls ganging up on Vienna for bringing drama in the house. Vienna accuses them of being fake and storms off. Whatever.
Jake then takes Ali off and she's worried that he's changed his mind since their Chicago date last week. (Third episode guys) He reassures her, she says "like" about 2,000 times and they kiss. Ali then brings up Vienna. Dumb dumb dumb girl. Ali goes back to the group to praise Corrie for making fun of Vienna behind her back. Now that is true class.
Before commercial break we're treated to Michelle telling us how it's her turn to give her mom a grandbaby and she'll be here in the end. Yikes. We're back and Michelle is still whining about wanting one on one time with Jake. Double yikes. She goes off on all the girls and Elizabeth the No Kissing Nanny says she needs a therapist. And Michelle FINALLY gets her one on one time! Huzzah!
She tells Jake she's here for the right reasons. She really wants a husband. She tells Jake that she doesn't know if she can keep going if she doesn't know whether or not Jake has feelings for her. (Again, T-H-I-R-D episode.) Jake starts to not meet her eyes. And she asks if they can kiss to see if she feels something. What the what?! So they kiss and when Jake pulls away he looks like he wants to jump off the party roof. Michelle immediately says, "You gotta give me more than that! Are you kidding me?" Oh boy, this chick is cracked y'all! Wanna see Jake right after she said that and before he dropped his head in uncomfortable silence?
And what does Jake say when she then asks him why his head is down? "I'm almost ready for this night to be over." Oh SNAP! That is NOT what you want to hear right after you kiss a guy. No way. But it's okay because Michelle tells him she's leaving. She tells him that if he wants her to stay, she'll stay. Now tell me I'm wrong ladies, she totally said that so he would say, "No no, please stay! I want to get to know you, I would miss you!" Right? Oh I am SO right!
For once Jake does the smart thing and says, "Yeah...I think it would be better if you did leave." Boo-ya! Her response: "I just can't believe you're doing it. I didn't think it was going to be this way. This is stupid." So he walks her out and she says...GET THIS..."He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue." WHA?!?! You mean you had no clue that he would send you home after you told him you were leaving?! You are a nut case woman. NUT CASE! This is just the saddest thing ever. Much more interesting than the whole Rozlyn thing from last week by the way.
At least Jake was okay going back up to the roof to finish partying:
P.S.-Only an hour into this episode.
So Jake comes back to the girls and tells them that he asked Michelle to leave after "exploring every option" (what?), that he's not giving out a rose tonight and he kicks them off the roof. The girls gush about how strong and full of integrity Jake is and I start doing the exaggerated eye roll. Oh bro-ther. *puke*
Now on to Ella's one on one date. Jake mentions the sacrifice she made by leaving her son behind and surprise surprise it's her birthday. Tens bucks says her son shows up on the date. Oh and lookie here, another helicopter! How original! While they are gone, Vienna apologizes to everyone for whatever she did. Ali's not buying it and accuses her of talking about other people (whole pot calling the kettle black ring any bells, Ali?) Whatever.
Back to Ella and Jake, they end up at Sea World (the place for true romantics). Jake: "Can you believe we're here?!" Dude, it's frickin' Sea World. It's always open to the public, you can go any time. You can get a season pass if you love it so much. Anyway, queue Ella's son as Jake's birthday present to her. Listen, this is sweet and all but it's been done. Remember Stephanie from Jason's season? Yeah, then it was sweet. Now it's just predictable. Her son looks terrified. "Mommy, whose this man with no shirt on?" Just kidding, Jake kept his shirt on...at least until he put on a wetsuit and they fed dolphins and stuff.
Ella makes a point to say that under normal circumstances she would never let a man meet her son this early. I guess being on TV will make is less painful and emotionally scarring for her son when she doesn't marry Jake. Duh people. Listen, I won't bore you with the rest of their date. They talk about her son, blahblahblah, I can see myself being engaged to you, blahblahblah. Ella says she wants what Trista and Ryan have...way to cite past seasons! She also mentions that she doesn't think that Jake would have brought her son out if he didn't feel a connection. Shhhh...she hasn't seen Jason's season where he brought out Stephanie's son only to ditch her later on...don't tell her! Geez, how is this date not over yet?! He gives her the rose. Moving on...
Cocktail party before rose ceremony: Jake's going into the party "a little more serious". Elizabeth gets the first alone time with Jake and brings up the whole "not kissing" thing. She literally says that "Jake needs to be a man and hold true to his convictions and not try to kiss me." Then her first "hard" question to Jake is, "Are you good at back rubs?" Jake's starting to catch on that Elizabeth is a total tease AND he calls her on it! Holy crap!!! He says he doesn't know what to make of her and at first she giggles and looks like, "he's buying it!" but then he says that he's known couples that have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons but he doesn't think that's what she's about. She agrees and then he says, "If somebody is just using that to tease, that's not right." Elizabeth immediately freaks out. He tells her stop teasing him (go Jake) so she keeps teasing him. Someone bring back Michelle please!
Elizabeth proceeds to tell the other girls that Jake called her a tease and she says she has no idea where he got this idea from...what?! Seriously, this whole house is full of psychos! Jake talks to Vienna after she takes him from Elizabeth and tells him the hard time she's having, Jake says he's glad she's here, blahblahblah. She has a rose so I'm not sure why she feels the need to talk to him. So of course the other girls blast her for it when she gets back to the room. Of course Elizabeth starts crying and says that she's not desperate and can get a date any day of the week (whatever) and she doesn't understand why he's pressuring her to kiss him. Again...WHAT?!
So Ali confronts Vienna about interrupting Elizabeth's time with Jake and here's my question: Hey Ali, why do you want Jake to be spending time with any one but you? How about quit wasting your time bitching at Vienna and start interrupting girls yourself, you moron! Elizabeth keeps drinking and getting more and more pissed and demands an explanation from Jake. Jake once again tells her that he's cool if she doesn't want to kiss but that she needs to quit confusing him. She of course turns the whole thing into being his fault for delaying this explanation and I'm tired. Send her home Jake! Send her home!!!
Let's wrap this up for Pete's sake. Roses go to: Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie (who?), Kathryn (who?), last rose goes to Ashleigh.
So bye bye Valisha (whose profession is listed as "Homemaker". Huh?) and HOLY CRAP see ya Elizabeth the Teasing Nanny! Wow!
So that's it for this week's Bachelor! Have you been watching? What do you think of these crazy chicks?
For the love of gold....
6 hours ago