Monday, January 11, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Drama

You know, I told Christy that I gave the newest episode of The Bachelor less than a minute into the show before they had Jake's shirt off. You may remember me telling you last week that Jake hates only one thing: those horrid restrictive things called "shirts":

But I was wrong. It took them all of 10 seconds to get his shirt off. Totally underestimated ABC! D'oh!

So here we are, episode 2 of the Bachelor and these girls are already going off the deep end. Seriously. If they aren't talking about how "stacked" Jake is (can boys be stacked?) they're rambling about how they are the only one for Jake and the rest of the girls can't begin to be right for him. Geez louise, it's like a Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction convention is in town...

Chris Harrison (whose shirt matches the wall color, seriously who the heck dresses these people?!) tells the girls there will be 2 group dates, 1 one on one date and 2 girls will get no date at all. (Spoiler alert: Kooky Nut Michelle from my last post and sweet as kittens Tenley do not get dates. I'm assuming it's because Jake pointed and said, "Girl I definitely ain't pickin'" and "Girl I wanna marry." I'll leave you to guess which is which.)

The first group date goes to Gia, Valisha, Christina, Ashleigh, some other girl - I think they said Corrie or something like that (no wait, is it Ella?) and Rozlyn, who has scary music behind her every time they show her. Scandal a brewin' perhaps??? Hmmmm...they are going to a lot of trouble to make her look like "she's here for the wrong reasons". Well, let's put that on the back burner as we watch the ladies take part in an In Style photoshoot.

Blah blah blah "I want one on one time" "I want the date rose" yadayadayada drama llama ding dong, Rozlyn gets the rose on this date yet the scary dramatic music keeps getting louder and more frightening...what could be going on?!?!

Blond #25 Ali gets the one on one date. Jake takes her flying. Wait a minute...What's that music I hear? Oh no...please God no...please don't let them play...the song...They can't make me listen....I won't!!!!

Oh yes they played it, those cheesy so and so's...I think what made this scene more nauseating was when Ali said, "For me, that plane taking off was our relationship taking off..." I am not making this up folks...excuse me....


Okay, I'm back. Anyway, Ali and Jake have dinner, she gets a rose and then they are given a private concert by, Chicago...really? Does she even know who they are? Wait, Chicago's still together? Bah.

Last group date goes to the leftovers: Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Vienna (I'm assuming her parents really liked those little sausages) and Ashley. They go to Six Flags and during her one on one time, Elizabeth reads a note to Jake that she wrote him. First of all, a note...really? Second of all, why don't you let him read it himself? I was so hoping it would include a "Do you like me? Check yes or no" section but alas it was Elizabeth informing Jake that he could not kiss her. Period. Um...okay. Listen sweetie, I am so down with people that actually have standards, morals and respect for their bodies and intimate moments. I just don't usually see those people on reality dating shows. Now normally, this whole thing scares Bachelors away but not our Boy Scout Jake! Oh no, he LOVES it and gives her the date rose. Well, okay. I have never cared for her but I guess she's okay.

So the rest of the girls are sent back to the hen house and Elizabeth and Jake enjoy some alone time which is useless since she's refusing to make out with him. Now, that I have no problem with HOWEVER she spends most of their time saying to Jake (insert sexy voice here), "Do you want to kiss me? Cause I soooo want to kiss you..."

DUDE! Girl Rule #1 is it's your body, don't let nobody do nothing to it you don't want. But Girl Rule #2 is IF YOU SAY NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THEN TEASE THEM ABOUT WANTING TO DO WHAT YOU JUST SAID THEY COULDN'T DO. d-u-h She also says, "I'm playing hard to get because that's what I deserve". Then don't go on a reality show where you're competing for a guy you moron! That's it, Elizabeth needs to go...gross...

Holy crap y'all...I've still got an hour to go in this episode! There's only the rose ceremony left so what could take an hour? He's making his rounds...girls are starting to break down, but that shouldn't take an hour? Wait a minute...the scary music...Rozlyn's scary you think??? way! Never gonna happen...

dun dun DUN!

Long story short, Rozlyn entered into an "inappropriate relationship" with a show staff member and was asked to leave and the staff member was fired. Weirdsville. The whole thing is weird and I'll be interested to see what Chris Harrison's blog says tomorrow as most reports are saying nothing happened and ABC is manufacturing the whole thing. Jake asks to be present when Chris tells the other girls. Rozlyn stays pretty much silent as she packs and hits the road.

Geez, we still have the rose ceremony to get through...

Chris tells the girls about Rozlyn, shock and amazement from the girls (and one of the girls starts crying, what the heck is that about?), now on to the rose ceremony! Please!!!


Roses go to: Vienna (Sausages for the win!), Gia (swimsuit model, no surprise there), Tenley (awww, sweet as kittens!), Ella (the single mom sure Jake is destined to be her step-baby daddy), Valisha (I have no idea who she is, where has she been all this time?), Corrie (there is a Corrie! Did I spell her name right? Ah, whatever), Jessie (I think that's her name), Ashleigh (of the teeny bikini), MICHELLE?! COME ON JAKE YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! *ahem* and the last rose goes to Kathryn.

No roses for Ashley and Christina...Ashley handles it pretty well but Christina cries and gives the whole "there's girls that are not here for the right reasons" reject speech. So long Ashley and Christina! Good luck with your sad, lonely lives as you will never meet a man as perfect as Jake. Nah, just kidding though I am surprised by his choices...

The previews for next week predict even more drama so stay tuned as we embark on "this journey" together!

Are you watching The Bachelor? What are your thoughts?


  1. Hilarious take on this episode. I do want to know more about the "inappropriate relationship". Can't wait for the deets on that.

  2. hahahaahha. drmz.

    anyway my fave reality dating show is Joe millionaire. Oh Gosh.

    I am Denise Katipunera

  3. LOL
    You need to host the 'after show' like they do on MTV

    Cannot wait to hear more about the inappropriate relationship... hmmm


  4. Great recap! I think the girls are super-mean this time around. It's clear that Roz and Elizabeth are using their flirty good looks to hypnotize Jake and it worked! I don't care that Roz did nothing wrong I just don't like the girl that is there to WIN over everyone else because they are prettier, skinnier, have better skin than most!!!!!!!! Can you tell that I am boiling? ha!

    Seriously, how crazy is Elizabeth? And, how crazy were Christine's eyes when she didn't get a rose? Someone should have handed her a bundle of jelly beans as she was walkin out the door!

  5. Bwahahaha! Girl you totally crack me up! Does ABC know about you...what? They don't, well they should and Chris should be reading your blog tomorrow not the other way around.

    Best Line I've read on a blog in 2010 goes to you my friend for "Geez louise, it's like a Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction convention is in town" Another Bwahahaha...catch my breath Bwahahaha! I nearly peed my pants on that're awesome Maggi!

  6. OMG...I laughed so hard reading your post - and I haven't even seen an episode!!! I love your recaps Maggie - keep up the good work!!! :)

  7. Thank you for a hilarious recap. My hubby is truly scared by Vienna. (yes, he watches it with me). I have always been a fan of this show and this season is no Elizabeth was a big dork for writing the note and a big tease as well. I think it is going to backfire. I think Ella will get ditched because of the kid. Tenley has issues. Michelle has issues. Hell, they ALL have issues. I am really enjoying this season because the girls are a bunch of loons. Poor Jake. I think he is hot but dumb as nails

  8. oh man!! i wanted to throw my remote at the tv when he kept michelle!! you've GOT to be kidding me. she's straight CRAZY!!! i'm with clare, they're some crazies this season!! but i can't wait to watch, because i'm such a friggin sucker!

  9. Oh thanks for link, I tried but they won't let non US viewers. I tried to ummm go through another way but they are too clever!

    I just watched the hometown dates with Brad tonight, Bettina's family were such snobs...and he kept her on .. What!

  10. Who needs to watch it with these recaps? Oooooh I'm so excited for the next instalment. Keep us posted on the inapropriate relationship! And so NOT good to say no and then dingle dangle in front of him.

  11. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! omg, my hubby and I read this together and he wants me to send your link to him! lmao
    I wanted to barf too when they were on the plane and the "On the Wings of Love" song came on, hehehe! cheesey or what!
    I told John right then I was embarrassed watching the damn thing! Tenley, I don't know who that even is cuz I missed the first 1/2 hour of the first show! Please tell me she is decent cuz what a bunch of wackjobs! I think I need to steal your first photos for laughs! lol omg....xoxo

  12. Dear God, is this crap for real? Thanks for the laugh!

  13. i don't ever want to watch it....i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee your version so much better! LOL! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

  14. YAY Maggi you did the recap...and I am so with you!!!! WTH is with that song!!!! BARF!!!!!

    Oh my so much drama...and they are all screaming all the time...what is with that!!!

    Chicago...they couldn't even dance to it.....and I had to laugh!!!!!

    Oh My inappropriate behavior and the other girls crying...I would have been YES...get rid of less for me to compete against!!!

    Can't wait to see what they have in store for us next week!!!

  15. Your version of last night is so dang funny I forgot my version. I can imagine the only thing funnier than your post is sitting and watching the show with you! :-)

  16. Who needs to watch the show when you can such a more vivid view of the show reading your blog! You make it so much more fun!!! LOL!!!

  17. sad sad pathetic crying girls LOL :D

    i loved how chris kept saying "inappropriate" v. funny :D

    then he told jake how to react by saying "we are dead serious so we know you are dead serious" - who cares, one less chica - it's not like she was the last one in the house LOL! too much false drama, like a train wreck you can't look away from!!!

  18. Hi Maggi,

    I don't watch the show, but I sure am enjoying your recaps! In fact, I think that I prefer them. :) I will continue to keep track of YOUR outstanding reporting of Jake's driving desire to find a soul mate in front of all of America! Theresa

  19. Oh you crack me up! I love your briefing of the show each week! I laughed about Rozlyn and then the other girl starts to cry PLEASE!! Because it takes her back to a time when she remembers getting hurt is what I believe she said LOL soo funny! Oh and what about the pool party that was pretty funny as well. Not sure Jake knew what to do and I thought for sure he was coming out in a Speedo and THANK GOODNESS he did. Think that might be for a reason haha!! Great recap friend!!

  20. oooohhhh....i may just watch for the nice view! maggi...this was interesting to read...hmmmmmm.....ugh...i cannot take up another show! maybe i'll just peek!

  21. Unfortunately this is not out in the Uk, but the last time i visited my dad he had all of these recorded for me.

  22. I had such a great laugh after reading your post!:-)))What a great take on the show!!!I did not have a chance to watch it for more then 10 minutes here and there, but after reading your brilliant review, I promise to watch it from the very frist minute to the last!:-))))))))

  23. Wow. I am kinda glad that I don't watch Bachelor now. Too much pointless drama! But I did enjoy your commentary. ;)

  24. LOL...I don't watch that kind of TV show, Its a young peoples show anyway. I don't care for women who act like that. Good looking guys are a dime a dozen and those women are beautiful enough to get any one of them, So why fall for a guy they just met and act like fools.
    Oh right!!! They have to make a show.Don't be mad at me...You did ask...LOL
    With that...I want to wish you all the best this New Year has to offer.
    May God Bless,
    XXOO Marie Antionette

  25. I don't watch The Bachelor but you have me intrigued after reading this! I love how fast they had his shirt off:)

  26. I don't have cable so we cant watch TV, but I feel like I just saw the show! Did they rub him down with baby oil before taking the photo of him with his shirt off? LOL!
    The hubby and I were watching Buck Rogers on Netflix streaming.. soo hilarious with all the disco clothes, shirts open to the waist, and all the colored disco lights! Guess we really must be bored!

  27. I don't watch it, watch it. I live vicariously through my blog friends who do. I also love when they mock it on the Soup!

  28. I honestly will say that I have never watched the Bachelor! After reading that all I know why I don't. :)

  29. lol I am not watching this season, but I really loved your recap :)

  30. HAHAHAH love your recap! I had all the exact same thoughts and reactions... I was also surprised that Roslyn has a kid!!

    Are there any girls without ex husbands and babies??

  31. this is freaking funny!!! youre so rad miss maggi!!!

  32. this is a great recap!!!! check my recap out too!

  33. Bahaha you are just wonderful! So funny and such a great writer!! Such a pleasure to read xxx

  34. I think I'm the only one not watching this! I stopped watching the show about 5 years ago and can't seem to get into it. Maybe I should try it again? Hope you are having a great week honey! Kori xoxo

  35. I wish I had cable!

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest