Monday, February 15, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of The Dread Pirate Jake

Here come the overnight dates! Remember when the magic booty card from Chris telling the couple they could get it on in the Fantasy Suite was a surprise? Yeah, not so much anymore. Well no matter, after tonight we will be down to the final two girls and then next week is the Women Tell All reunion special.

But that's not tonight so let's see what happens. Last week we got a preview of Ali calling Jake in St. Lucia to supposedly come crawling back but I'm thinking it will come to nothing. I've been burned by ABC's promos before (remember the one of Jake kicking a chair over? That's never even been shown so thanks a lot ABC.)

Anyhoo, let's get started.

First we get a retrospecticus on the remaining three women and we get to relive all of the moments that were boring the first time around so you can imagine...I'll spare you and yes, you're welcome. I'm sure they're going to replay part of Tenley's dance from last week and no way am I watching that again so I'll be right back, I'm going to get a drink...

Okay, I'm back. Now he's talking about Ali so I'm guessing we're getting the phone call out of the way early. Let's see...she's in a hotel bed...robe on...(Wait, who sleeps in a robe?)...telling us she's heart broken and misses Jake...sitting up in bed and then...wait, what? No way. I am NOT seeing what I think I'm seeing...
For the love of Pete ABC, 8x10 glossies of Jake on the nightstand...really? All right dearest readers, on the count of three we're all going to do the exaggerated eye roll...ready? 1...2...3!

Oh BRO-ther. *shudder* So gross on so many levels...

She gives us some bull about how the only reason she picked work was that she was scared and now that she's back home she can't sleep and her work is suffering (well they must be thrilled to have you back then, eh?) Oh wait they went to commercial and came back with Gia so I guess our Staged Phone Call of Doom will have to wait.

So Jake and Gia meet up and Jake asks her if she likes boats...uh Jake, she took you on a boat during her home town date. That was just last week remember? You took pictures of each other in front of the Statue of Liberty? No? Nothing? Bonehead. They drink out of coconuts like they do on Survivor and go buy cheap tourist crap. (Not that I'm putting cheap tourist crap down, it's my favorite) and they dance with street performers. Jake buys her a necklace which is sure to keep her warm when he kicks her off the island at the end of the show (my guess).

Jake tells us he's ready to take a leap of faith right before they both jump off a pier into the ocean. *barf* We're forced to watch them make out in the water for a couple of minutes. They finally dry off and have a night time picnic. Gia keeps saying how she's falling for Jake and she's so scared. Jake tells us how he wants to take care of Gia tonight. I so hope he means the romantic way and not the mobster way. Lots of blahblahblah whatever, I just want to know where Gia bought that sparkly head band. *drool* I wonder if she'll be so distraught when Jake dumps her that she'll never want to wear it again and will send it to me?
They talk about opening up without even a hint of irony and yadayadayada. This is boring. Get to the fantasy suite already! They get into a big hammock that looks to be hanging from a cliff or something and the card from Chris shows up. Gia jumps right on it and off they go to the Fantasy Suite.

Gia wants to tell Jake that she's falling in love with him but she's finds it too hard to say. And mark my words, that's going to be what gets her kicked out in the end. There's always one person that won't tell them how they feel and it's always what gets them gone. Bah, oh well. They get into a tub (not heart shaped, go figure) and I'm praying for a commercial break...

Tenley's up next and it's like watching Ariel and Prince Eric with these two. Ugh. He takes her flying in a helicopter and they land on a sugar plantation...figures. Now they're talking and...Holy crap this is like watching paint dry....Where's Vienna?

So they go to dinner and Tenley's all worried about the Fantasy Suite since she's only ever been with her ex-husband. And then they start dancing. Shoot me. Jake starts talking about how much he loves spending time with her and you know he's building up the courage to give her the Fantasy Suite card. "Come on baby, we can just talk!" So Tenley reads the card and says, "Let's get it on!" Okay, well maybe she didn't phrase it quite like that but she immediately said yes so whatever. Tenley keeps going on and on about how she doesn't spend the night with guys and this is a big deal and yeah we get it, you're not a whore. Can we please move on now????

So here's Vienna and they get on a pirate ship complete with Jake wearing a pirate eye patch and then those S.O.B.s at ABC start guessed it...

Then they shoot cannons (literally not figuratively) and climb the mast or whatever. Then Jake smacks her in the butt with a sword and makes her walk the plank. I swear I am not making this up! There are so many innuendos being tossed around here I think my head might explode. Then they show them frolicking on the beach. Ewwwwwww. Yes, commercial break! God loves me!

Side note: It has just occurred to me that Jake is different with each of the remaining women. With Gia he's all protective. With Tenley he treats her like they are in the same place in life and with Vienna he acts like one of those kids from "American Pie".

Back to the show, Vienna and Jake are talking about marriage or something while they eat dinner in a gazebo. Jake then asks Vienna what kind of rings she likes. Huh? Did he ask any of the other girls this? She tells him that she likes "bling around the ring" (well, can't blame her there) and then asks him if he can see her as his wife to which he answers yes. Whatever, I am just not seeing this at all. This is the weirdest couple ever. But then he ruins the moment by telling her that he loves the other two girls. Wow, maybe he really was dateless in school because he is a total idiot.

Anyway, back at Jake's room he's primping and what not when dun dun DUN the phone rings! It's Ali saying she made a mistake and wants to come back. I'll spare you the whole long thing, Jake basically tells her thanks but no thanks. Maybe her and Reid from Jillian's season should date each other. Oh and then Ali says that she'll never find anyone like Jake ever. Hmmm...looks like someone's gunning for the next Bachelorette!

Moving on, let's get to the rose ceremony! No wait, first: video messages are back! Yes! The part of the show where we watch the Bachelor awkwardly watch videos of the girls saying cheesy things.

But at the rose ceremony...holy crow, Gia's dress is sparkly! I'm really started to think we're meant to be friends. I wonder if she's looking for a short, stout, less attractive friend? Where was I? Oh right. Rose ceremony...Jake is scared of sending the wrong woman home. Whatever, break Gia's heart and let's get it over with already!

Long story short: Bye bye Gia! Just another kick in the pants to add to your long list of heartbreaks. I'll take that headband now, thanks! Oh don't cry for Gia folks! Her exit really was heartbreaking, she totally lets him off the hook and acts the quite the lady (with the exception of accidentally flashing her underwear. Don't worry, I didn't take a picture of that).

So what are your thoughts on this episode? Next week we get to see The Women Tell All and Rozlyn is back. Inappropriate relationships for the win!


  1. is falling in love in reality tv really true? hihihi.

    have a great day!

    I am Denise Katipunera

  2. Ok, I wouldn't watch this show if you held a gun to my head, but I love reading your version of the "pseudo real life adventures of dumb and dumber." I understand why some guy wants to do this, but what is in it for the girls besides, oh I don't know rejection on national television? Shouldn't this show be renamed, The Bachelor and Fourteen Masochists with cute clothes? (I am clueless how many are on the show when it starts out) I need cliff notes.

    Anyway, thanks for the updates, I think. :o) (big smiles)

  3. i seriously loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee these recaps! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

  4. Your recaps are the best. I'm so glad you've done this and spared me the agony of watching this stuff! :-)

  5. I saw the notification of this post on my sidebar and might have squealed with glee. I love these recaps. Way better then the real show could ever hope to be.

  6. "I wonder if she's looking for a short, stout, less attractive friend?" Excuse me people while I just slap Maggi round the room a bit in over the top daytime drama slow motion for that statement. Behave woman!

    And now. Thank you so much for these recaps. I so enjoy my morning cuppa, even more so when sprayed at my monitor or keyboard.

    Come on, money on the table now. Who's it gonna be???

  7. Love this recap and can't wait to see next do know that he is going to peck Vienna.....I just know it....the Sl-t always gets the man...I think Tenley will be heart broken!!!

    Thanks for sharing with use today!!!

  8. Maggi, your take on this is just too much. ;) Makes me glad I don't watch the chow. And sometimes I wonder if those girls ever consider the fact that they probably won't be the chosen one...

  9. I found your blog on SITS and am I glad I did! Love your recap of the Bachelor's sleezy adventures. I so want to be BFFs with Gia from the block too. I don't think she's too heartbroken. Homegirl couldn't even eke out one tear in the limo ride of rejection. Gia for the next Bachelorette!

    And your suggestion of Ali + Reid? Brilliant!

  10. Oh. My. Is all I can say about this week and your recap lol. I think I have about given up on this little man as our beloved Bachelor. He is CRAZY....and not all there either. I mean look who is left? WOW! Can't wait to see what the women have to say next week!

  11. Maggi, to my gratest shame I gave up on this show! I just could not take it any more. Me givin' up, however, doesn't make me enjoying your take on it any less. You bring so many smiles to my face - it is simly priceless!!! I am wishing you fantastic week ahead!:-)

  12. LOVE your recap!!!I agree with the other comment Gia will be the new Bachelorette!

  13. I think that whomever he does not choose in the end would make a good future bachelorette

    tenley would be searching for nothing less of perfection and would have a mental breakdown or two while letting her inner skank slowly come out on national television and vienna would just be a shit show the entire season.

  14. AHoY MaGGi! rotflmao, thanks for that laugh out loud moment!
    First, give me a break - Jake can't even wear the friggin' eye patch right! Are you kidding me! But he had no probs hitting Vienna in the a$$ with his sword! (ew, just got a sick vision now!)
    I think Ali may be working towards being the bachelorette - with all her drama this week. Why did she call? Why didn't she just fly in like Reid did? At least Jake turned her down, it was the smartest thing this guy's done yet. OK! I want to know how Vienna whipped up that lingerie!- sorry, but he's a guy- and Vienna knows how to play this game! It's nice vs naughty! xOxO

  15. WOW!! THAT was FAB!!!
    I have never watched the show, nor would I because I am trying really hard not to be bulimic, but your play by play really kept me reading!!!! I can't wait to find out who wins!!
    I did like the sparkly headband btw!

  16. I didn't watch it again, le yawn... but I really enjoyed your recap as usual! I was hoping to read that Vienna got booted, that girl really bugs me!

    Love and hugs,

  17. 1. Vienna and her trashy Walmart lingere, as if we needed something to make us all hate her more.

    2. I think they were shooting cannons literally too, if ya know what I mean *wiinnkkk*

    3. I LOVE THAT YOU POSTED ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. You're my new hero.

  18. Amazing recap! I love the headband too - so pretty!

    I am so glad I don't watch this show. Your recaps are a million times better!

  19. You are such a brilliant writer! I have shared your posts with all my bachelor loving friends.. I sooo look forward to Monday nights, watching the show and then dashing to my computer to read your recap. You are hilarious!! Do you take notes the entire show to write such fantastic commentary??? Thanks so much! I sure enjoy it and agree with it all.. I have "cast" the 3 as "jennifer anniston" ( tenley) Angelina Jolie ( Gia) and Tori Spelling
    (vienna) LOL!!!

  20. HAHAHA!! I just LOVE this! Haven't been able to watch this season, and have missed it. Thanks for this!! You r a funny, funny girl. :)

  21. jake is such an idiot, every time he tells all the women he loves them all i just cringe - TWIT!

    i want the sparkly headband too :D

  22. I Love the Bachelor show, but since reading your recaps, I'm certainly watching it in a different lite ~ Gia or Ali for the Next Bachlorette..... I still Hate Vienna

  23. I used to love I am really taking a closer look and I am not lovin what I am seeing!! Your recap just had me in stitches...these girlies are really givin it!!
    I could not keep my eyes of that fantastic headband...can I borrow it from you when you get it!!!!
    Can't wait next's gonna be crazy!! xOxO Nerina