Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dancing With The Jiggly Flashers

So this week's Dancing With The "Stars" theme was "Movie Night", every couple had to dance to iconic songs from the movies. *sigh* This is going to get ugly quick. As long as they don't use any music from any of the movies I love, I'll be okay. What the heck is Brooke Burke wearing? She looks like a piano threw up all over her.

Any chance they'll kick more than one couple off this week? This show is super dragging out here...Anyhoo, I can already tell that this week is going to be scarring, Tom Bergeron mentions "Pulp Fiction" and that ESPN chick is trying to look like Uma Thurman. Well, there goes my high school angst up in flames. Thanks a lot, Dancing With The "Stars".

Niecy Nash is up first and she reacts to last week's judging of her being boring: "Boring?! Oh-hah, nobody calls me boring!" Um yeah...see Niecy, you've been pretty boring lately so I'm sorry if you think you're not boring and maybe in your everyday life you're a mile a minute adventure but with these emo slow boring dances, well you're just boring. Don't feel bad, you're not the only one!

So let's see what she does with "La Bamba"...Well, she does shake her chesticles around a lot so I guess that's sort of not boring. (She asks the judges about her "jiggling".) But she'll probably be covered in bruises tomorrow. Believe me, I know. Overall, the dance seemed very Niecy. She needs to stay away from slow boring songs from here on out.

Niecy's Jiggling Score: 6 - 6 - 6

Time for 85 to dazzle us with his movie moves, I'll be happy as long as they're out of that horrible color from last week:

So him and his partner "quick step" to "Bare Necessities" from Disney's Jungle Book while wearing tiger print. Yep, it's as bad as it sounds.

Score for the eye of the tiger: 6 - 6 - 6

That girl from ESPN is next and I'm so dreading this...I'm a HUGE Tarantino fan. I love Pulp Fiction, why must they destroy everything I love?! Why why why?! Gross, they're reenacting the dance contest scene. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! How dare they cheapen John Travolta's comeback?! Travolta!!!!! Comeback!!! Here's how I feel about this, circa Toot at 2 months old:

Score for stomping on my memories: 7 - 7 - 8

Bachelor Jake is next up and they keep mentioning Risky Business. Now, there's only one song I can think of from "Risky Business", but they wouldn't do that to me, would they? Jake says something about people thinking he looks like Tom Cruise. Uh...sure. *eye roll* Then during rehearsals we get to see Jake without a shirt on, trying to do something cool with a volley ball and his partner is all like, "Wrong movie moron" to which he replies:

*dry heave* Then he tells us that his partner really wants him to feel the dance and he thinks he's "finally found that in my cha-cha and I'm really hoping that it comes out tonight." Dear Lord no, leave it in! Leave it IN!

But of course he didn't leave it in and we're treated to about 2-3 minutes worth of hell i.e. Jake in his underwear. "But Maggi, he's so good looking! Why wouldn't we want to see him in his undies?" Well, with any other man, you might be right. However when Goober's involved, something potentially awesome is brought to ruin with his lameness. Case in point:

Luckily his partner brings him some pants which he puts on in the middle of the dance floor. I'll spare you the rest.

Score for Goober McDouchetown: 8 - 7 - 8

Pamela Anderson is up next and they dance to "9 to 5". Can I just say, I think Pamela and I could be friends. Sure, I'd be her ugly friend but still, she looks like she'd be too cute to hang out with. Her costume is precious but it does look like they're just running around in circles.

Score for my BFF: 7 - 6 - 8

Ahhh...that was nice to see a sweet, fun dance...So who's next? Ah crap, it's Kate. I don't care what she's been through, her attitude SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. This show is suppose to be fun, bright, airy, entertaining, yes? Send her home America, end this misery already! AND she's dancing all over another memory from my childhood and she looks like some sort of off brand Barbie you get at the grocery store. I can't believe they're dancing to "Don't You (Forget About Me)". Why does ABC hate me so much? What did I do?

Score for whatever: 5 - 5 - 5

The Pussycat Doll is up next and they're doing "Pretty Woman". Not much to say here. She's already a dancer and is great...just like always.

Score for the Doll: 10 - 9 - 10

The figure skater guy is up next, they're dancing to Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" which means I'm out. Bleck Ewwww *fast forward*

Score for this guy: 9 - 9 - 9

And now on the the know what, let's just cut to the chase: They force us to watch Bachelor Goob dance with his *this close* to a boob flash partner and Kate goes home. All is right with the world.


  1. i can't believe jake wore the black socks and bandaids LOL :D

  2. You crack me up. I don't even watch this show but I'm very entertained by your synopsis and totally agree about them stomping on your memories-Mine too from the sounds of it! Too funny. I don't know who the bachelor guy is but were they serious with those bandaid knees??

  3. I am emotionally scared from reading this... can't imagine what would have happened if I watched it. ugh! At least Kate went home!!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Okay, lets try this post again Deb-
    First of all, Erin wore Tarina Tarantino, how the HELL did I miss that? What is happening to me- I knew I was "off" this week, but damn! The photo of Goober-Douche in his undies is priceless! Tom Cruise is his twin, yea- IF I'M DRUNK! And without my contacts oon!
    Speaking of.....Did you Clorox your eyeballs yet, I did- TWICE!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder if Cheryl is knocked up with a baby Ocho Cinco??? Just a funny feeling I have. What is up with her? And are all these couples hooking up? I mean, they are all over each other 8 hours a day, I'm not surprised. I think Maxx and Erin are, I think Pam and Damian are, I know Cheryl and 85 are and I think Anna and Skater Boy are. So weird!
    You know, you are so sweet to put yourself through torture and blog this.......I appreciate you!!!!!!! Poor Toot! lol Does Chris watch too, lol
    love u, deb

  6. hahahahaha! at least Kate went home finally. you are so right, she did look like an off brand Barbie. Plus, what did it any of it have to do with the Breakfast Club????

  7. I don't even watch this show but when I saw this morning in the news that Kate went home, I thought, thank God. LOL I get much more entertainment out of reading your posts than I would watch the show, I'm sure. :)

  8. I'm another non-viewer - though I do read your recaps, which seem far more entertaining than the actual shows.

    However, I was so glad to see that Kate went home. Maybe she will not be in the news every single day now.

    She's famous because she is capable of getting pregnant, right? I mean, she can't actually do anything, can she?

  9. I've never watched the show but I did search for video of Kate Gosselin dancing on YouTube. Oh. My. God. Is that dancing or walking? I can dance better than that!

  10. I'm a new follower. Why? Coz me thinks you are funny and talented. I miss DWTS this week. I only saw reports of the highlights. Your version is more fun! I'm off to see you other blog! Passing by from SITS!

  11. WOW. im sorry maggi. I love your recap's of the WORST SHOW EVER MADE, but not at your expense!! Not at the risk of your sanity!! And Toot's too!. terrible. I threw up in my mouth 2 times. Only good news is that KATE IS GONE!! she is an idiot!

    Saw your delish work on ga!! Your a rockstar!!

  12. ROFL!!! I love your re-cap it makes my day! i hate how they torture Toot tho!!!! ;O)

  13. Wow - this is truly amazing stuff that I'm missing on the tube! LOL Did that guy Jake really go on TV to dance like Tom Cruise in "Risky Business"? Wow - that's hysterical. I shall look forward to more of your ultra-entertaining recaps!!! Theresa

  14. As you know, when the Bachelor was on I was always defending Jake. I actually thought he was a cool guy. Over time and after last night, I never want to see the Goobers face again!

  15. Hey, you wouldn't be Pam's ugly friend...she would be your white-trash friend!

  16. I heard a rumor that they kicked Kate off?!!?!?!?!! Please please please tell me it IS TRUE!!! I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee this....and ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm U would be Pam's HOT BFF thankUverymuch! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

  17. LOL, you are so funny. Love your review :)
    Have a fabulous weekend!
    *kisses* HH

  18. Dear Maggi, you crack me up! lol

    Have a fabuloussss weekend!


    PS Do you believe in/seen any UFOs?!!

  19. This bit on Jake made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I needed that.

    There is something truly nauseating about a man so in love with himself.

  20. Oh that was so funny, I loved it. I love the pic with the socks and bandages pointed out...way to go girl.

    Great post,

  21. hi there, I have an award for you!