Friday, April 30, 2010

Dancing With The Waxed Stars

Hi everyone and welcome to this week's Dancing With The "Stars" recap. This week we get to behold the Argentine Tango and the Sexy Samba...Didn't we do the Tango already? Bah. And there's a Swing dance marathon? This is going to be a looooooooong night.

I can already tell this night will be painful as The Bachelor Jake has already waxed up. Let's compare and see if I'm right. Last week:

This week:

Speaking of which, Jake is up first with the samba. They do okay, the judges talk about his pelvic thrusts and connecting to the music. I feel dirty.

Score for Wax Man: 7 - 7 - 7

The figure skater guy is next and he cracks his crock (literally) during rehearsal. They have this big to do about going to the doctor and after all this drama we find out he's totally fine. What's up with that? (Kidding of course) They dance to a slowwwwwwww version of a Black Eyed Peas song and I'm so distracted by his partner fluffy fluffy hair that I don't even know how they did. Let's ask the judges:

This guy's score: 7 - 7 - 7 (Please note, these scores were after the judges said he sucked but their still better than Kate or Buzz's scores so whatever)

Niecy Nash is next and I can only hope her "jiggly parts" are under control this week. Okay, here's one thing I noticed: she should be dancing with her hair down. I thought she looked much prettier in rehearsal than during her dance. They do a tango and FINALLY I see something that looks like what I thought a tango was so I am now on Team Niecy. So say we all.

Niecy's Score: 7 - 7 - 7 (Another note: The judges loved them and they got the same score as the ones that the judges did not like so...whatever)

That girl from ESPN is next and I don't know what it is but I really don't like her. I seriously don't know why...maybe it's because she killed Pulp Fiction which I love last week and this week she's killing instrumentals from Saturday Night Fever which I also love...Or maybe it's because her dress looks like it was brought to you today by the letter M and the number 3.

The bottom half anyway. The top half looks like she skinned a Vegas Showgirl.

ESPN Girl's Score: 9 - 7 - 9

Ochocinco is next and we're back to classic red and black for these two which I'm very proud of them. No more neutrally weirdo colors, yay! It seemed to me like they did okay. And..uh...yeah, that's all I got. They do cut to Donny Osmond while 85's getting judged which confused me. Are 85 and Osmond friends?

85's Score: 8 - 8 - 8

The Pussycat Doll is next and do we really even need to watch them dance? Just go ahead and put them through to the next round already.

Score for Dancing With The Dancer: 9 - 7 - 10

Pam is next and she's wearing a brunette wig that's a total no-no. Oh the color is fine but the shape is weird. Like a super poofy Trump toupee. Holy crap, they're dancing to an instrumental version of Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence". Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! What is it with this show stomping all of my awkward angst-filled years?!

Pam's Score: 7 - 7 - 8

So that's the show for oh wait...they have to do the swing dance marathon thing. Okay, I love me some swing dancing so I can only pray that this is halfway decent. But they're doing it old school which means a (metaphorical) tap on the shoulder means you're out and the last couple standing gets 10 extra points. Is it me or this song being played at half speed? What is up with these songs sounding like they're on Xanax? Surprise surprise, the Pussycat Doll wins. Wow, what a nail biter...

Now for the results and I'm so late getting this recap up, let's just get right to it: The bottom two are Bachelor Jake and Niecy. And Jake's chest looks a little hairy again. Guess it was temporary wax. Anyhoo, Jake is eliminated which means that I technically don't have to watch anymore since he's the reason I watched in the first place, right?

Jake says that he thinks this is the best season of "Dancing With Stars" (My Mom says that's because he's never seen any other season since he was too busy doing it in hot tubs. Score one for Mom!) and he thanks the Facebooks. Um, sure. Then he cries.

Happy Friday everyone! :D


  1. Okay, I'm hooked! I know I told you this last week that I don't even watch the show but I LOVE your recap...I look forward to it! PLEASE don't stop watching since the Jake guy is gone...I need to know what happens (I know, I COULD watch but this is much more fun...and funnier.) Great line by your mom!

  2. Thank you for this wonderful recap!!!

    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

    Wishing you a great day!!!

  3. Thanks - this is so much more fun then the show itself!

  4. I'm so glad that Jake is gone! He is the biggest dork and he thinks he's a stud. He needs to stop taking his shirt off because he's got nothing to look at, ugh.

  5. oh Maggi, I don't know how you force yourself to watch this crap, but I love your recaps!

  6. i love the muppet dress comment - LOL :D

  7. Looks like a metrosexual extravaganza daaaaaaahling LOL.
    Have a great weekend.
    *kisses* HH

  8. lmao I always enjoy reading these you are too funny!!

    ps. I found you some great stuff!! I'm super excited! pss. is there anything you really really want or are trying to find??

  9. the three minutes I spend reading your recaps HAVE to be better by far than actually watching that program.

    spending an hour with Pamela Anderson, a Pussycat Doll, and Kate Goselin is a horrifying thought - I'd rather have my eyeballs plucked out by red hot pincers.

  10. Well I'd be crying too if it was Goodbye Hollywood ~ looks like the 'reality ride' is over, wonder what he's gonna do next. And what the hell am I gonna do without seeing Goober anymore- ugh, the agony of it all!!!!!!!!!! I'm totally depressed!!!!!!!! lol

  11. hehehehehehehehe.....23 muppets were harmed in the making of this dress..U crack me up!! loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

  12. What an extravaganza! Hehe!

    Have a lovely weekend dear Maggi!:D


  13. Oh, you simply must continue to watch so we can keep up with your delightful recaps! Sorry your Jake got eliminated...maybe he will find some new program to appear in really soon? :) Theresa

  14. Oh those poor muppets, what did they do to deserve that? WHYYYYYY WHHHHHYYYYY!