Wednesday, April 4, 2012

While He Sleeps

My brother is dying tomorrow.

I don't blog a lot about my problems or bad things that happen in my life. It's not because I want to seem like I have the perfect life or that I'm the perfect person (I think my recent craft fails can attest to the fact that I'm not). It's because I like using my blog to showcase the sweetness life can bring. I also want you all to think of this blog as a "safe place" where you can come to be entertained, even if it is at my expense. I enjoy making you laugh or at least bringing a smile to your face with my snarkiness.

But I can't snark my way out of this one and I'm lost. I have one brother who is younger than me. He's been dealing with some form of addiction for what seems like his entire life. A result of this has been seizures that the doctors have not been able to cure. We're not sure exactly what happened, but on Monday afternoon he was found by the side of the road.

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As far as we can tell, he had a seizure and collapsed, resulting in a severe head injury. Since Monday night he's had three brain surgeries. This morning they removed part of his brain and skull to help with swelling but he's never woken up or been responsive. The doctor told us today that he has less than a 5% chance of survival and even if he does make it, will more than likely be in a vegetative state. They're giving him another 24 hours and tomorrow morning we have to decide whether or not to let him go.

DSC_0150


He's been in pain for so long. He's been so unhappy and everything has been a struggle. But he has the sweetest spirit of anyone I know. He loves the hardest and he's the first to forgive. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to say good bye.

But I also don't want him to hurt anymore. I want him to be at peace and be happy. But it sucks. I'm hurting so much right now. And I don't have the luxury of curling up into a ball and shutting it all out. I've got babies that want to be played with and don't understand why they won't see Uncle Ty anymore. Some moments I forget and everything feels normal then it will hit me, that I won't see him anymore, I can't talk to him, I can't do anything.  Has it really only been two days?  How can there only be 5 stages of grief? It feels like I've already been through 20.


Is this post making any sense? Probably not. I don't want to do this. I'm sorry. Please don't feel like you have to leave a comment. I just had to put this all down before I explode. I feel like there's no where for it to go.  I've been to the hospital and said my good byes.  I wish he was able to say good bye back.

24 comments:

  1. I am crying as I type this. So, so sorry. You have written a beautiful post. I hope that it has helped even a little.

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  2. Maggi, I am so sad for you and I am so sorry. I can only imagine the feelings you are going through right now and how you must be trying to coup. I wish I was there to give you a hug and just cry with you. I have been thinking about you and your family all day. This is YOUR blog and we come to read it because we LOVE you! So, you post all your feelings on here especially if it helps. We love you and hugs from far away.

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  3. Oh Maggi, you all must feel so awful.
    To me, it just sounds like it is a sign that it is time for him to leave this place. Even though you cannot hear him saying goodbye back to you, I am certain he does.
    I am glad you put it out here.
    Sending you lots of strength and love to get through this. Just remember: nobody can EVER take away memories!!
    (it is so incredibly sweet of you to describe your blog as a safe space, which it truly is, but never fear to include not-so-glittery-post. we like reading them as well, since we like you! And you look absolutely beautiful in the last picture.)

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  4. I have been following your updates on fb...and I am crying with you... I am so sorry you are going thru this Maggi... and your parents ... and your brother also... *sigh* I have been sober for 23 years now... and I can understand his pain that he has been in.... each addict has their own demons, but somehow we all seem to relate to each other... prayers and hugs coming your way my friend...

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  5. Oh you have every right to cry and it is okay to explain why, kids need to understand death as well as life. He will still be around you, just watch for the signs. If you have ever watched John Edwards or the show Long Island Medium they are always there as your angel. We are all praying for you and your family.

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  6. Maggi, you don't need to say you are sorry for writing this post . . . it's really okay. It's not like I have to say a comment, more that I want to write. You are making sense and even though this is very difficult it is going to be okay. Take a deep breath. Things will be alright and your family will get through this. This is not what you were expecting, not what you were imagining, but it will be okay. Like you said, you don't want him to hurt anymore. I felt that same way about my dad when he was dying. I still miss him to this day, still cry - but it is okay. A big squeeze for you. please do not worry about my projects -they can wait. love, lenna

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  7. Hugs, so many many hugs. There is no right way or wrong to deal with what you are facing. Do what you need to do, what you feel to do.
    Just know that a lot of people have you, your brother and your family in their hearts. I am one of them.

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  8. Maggi, this is heartbreaking. I really don't know what to say. Please know that I'm in your corner. You know I'm just an email away if you need to let it all out. Hugs.

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  9. I'm so sorry! I can't even imagine what you're going through right now...but you don't ever need to be sorry for posting something like this. You need to get it out and also know that you have the support of your online crafty friends too. I'll be praying for you! *hugs*

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  10. I'm so sorry. I'll add you and your family to my prayers.

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  11. THANK YOU for sharing the love you have for your brother with us. His beautiful spirit and your love for him shines through. What a beautiful young man he is too. It's so sad that he has found life to be such a struggle but he is at peace now and even though it is hurting you right now, you will take comfort knowing that he has finally slayed his demons.

    Sending love and hugs and strength to get through the dark days ahead.

    xxx

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  12. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sure your brother felt your love while you were at the hospital. It's very difficult to say good-bye. He will be in your heart forever and the good parts about him will live in your daughters' hearts.

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  13. I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through this.

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear about your little brother. I have a little brother, too, and I can only imagine how sad you must feel. I'll be praying for you and your family.

    When the time is right, you might want to try visiting dailystrength.org They have an large selection of very active online support groups.

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  15. Maggi, I'm here with you through the good times and the bad! I am glad you shared this.. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! I know we don't know each other well..yet, but you are welcome to email me anytime! Big Hugs!!! ~hl

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  16. I have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry that you and your family have to experience this huge loss. I will be thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

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  17. Don't apologise! I am so so sorry for what you are going through! When I lost my dad last year the last thing I said to him was see you tomorrow but I didn't, he passed away that night. I wish there was anything at all i could say that would make you feel better. You have many people who are thinking of you right now and wishing they could help your pain. I am one of them! Take care Maggi!

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  18. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I will be thinking of you and your family, sending a lot of positive thoughts your way.

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  19. Oh, Maggi, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I'll be thinking of you and your loved ones.

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  20. Oh Maggi. I'd been seeing your updates on FB but didn't want to ask who you were talking about. I'm so very sorry to read this.

    Wish I could give you real hugs right now. Know that you and yours are in all our thoughts here x x

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  21. Maggi, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. Unfortunately, I can definitely relate with you. My brother, too suffered from lots of depression and addictions (not sure what came first) which ultimately led to him taking his life. It was the most awful thing my family has ever endured.Sometimes I think he's finally at peace. I'm thinking about you and wishing there was something I could say to make the pain go away, but there isn't. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

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  22. Dearest sweet sweeet Maggi, i am so sorry i missed this and i am so sorry to hear about what happen to your sweet brother. It made me teary and i can definitly relate with you! I too wish there is something i could do or say to make you feel better. Please take good care of yourself and we will be right here with you! Thinking of you and sending lots of love and prayer your way! Love to you and yours.

    jacqueline
    http://jqlinesocuteithurts.typepad.com/

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  23. Thanks for sharing this part of your life too! We care about you ad want to support you in whatever endeavor, loss or triumph!!! Hang in there! Big HUG!!!

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